A Small Confession

There’s something that I need to do right now: be honest with you.

I’m not okay, like I usually say I am.

I’m going through a lot of shit right now, though I won’t get into it for the sake of keeping you burden-free.

I’m always a positive person to other people, comforting them when they need to be comforted and reminding them that they are awesome. They deserve that as fellow human beings, and if they don’t believe that, then there’s nothing I can say that can make them change their minds until they finally start to. But I’ve fallen into the human condition of worrying too much about things.

I’ve been thinking recently that I’ve not amounted to nearly as much as I’d like to have done by now. I was sure that, by 25, I’d be successful and on my own, living in NYC, visiting my mom on a weekly basis, hanging out with girlfriends, having a boyfriend, the Sex & The City syndrome hit me at a young age. But that’s not the case, for there are so many things that I’ve been too lazy to strive for. I could’ve have, at the very least, an Associate’s or Bachelor’s Degree by now, graduated college and attained the above; instead, I’ve been slowly draining my mom financially by being unemployed, not paying rent or bills or even looking for a job, working non-paying acting gigs, going to Broadway shows and plays and movies and screenings and spending money in general on things I don’t even need (that eventually end up collecting dust in the house.

Now, it seems that all of that has come to an end. No need for me to get into it, but I’ve come to the realization that I really do need to buckle down and focus on the issue at hand, and that’s to stop lying to myself. I’m trying to live a life that’s really a lie, and people need to know the truth. As much as I’d rather not be this vulnerable, I feel it’s in order so I can move on and get to work on what I really need to be doing, and that’s writing. 

I’ve realized that I’ve been denying myself the chance to really express myself and break rules. Fuck the system (the education system, that is) that teaches you from a young age that kistakes are bad and that you should do things a certain way. I’m tired of living that way, and I’m tired of having to apologize for my opinions. I don’t need to do that, and if people don’t like my opinions, then there’s always someone else’s they can enjoy. I’ve gone too long with the idea that I need to make other people happy, and although I thought I was over that, it seems that old habits do die hard. 

And for those people I’ve lied to over the past few years about how I was doing, I’m deeply sorry. You’ve only seen a shell, something I can hide behind so no one worries, but that just makes things worse, because I don’t like to open up to people, regardless of how long I’ve know you. I’d like to be a bit of an open book, and that’s the luxury Tumblr affords me: to be as kooky and silly and fangirly and funny and serious and opinionated as possible. People are gonna have shit to say about it, but not everything is for everyone.

I’ve realized that I’m just rambling on and on about this, so I’ll stop. I’m sure you’d like to sleep at this point, but again, I’m sorry for lying to you and not letting you see me for who I am. I’m not a bitch or anything negative; I’m a nice, kind considerate person with a wicked sense of humor, but I choose not to burden people with my negativity, which can come out at times. So if you see me and you’re wondering what’s wrong, please don’t be offended if I say I’d rather not talk about it.

Ok, I’ll stop for reals this time. I’m sure I may have a chapter of my fanfic typed up by tomorrow afternoon/evening or something, but it’ll at least keep me engaged in awesome. Good night, all.